Warning: this is INSANELY long
The majority of women experience something called the "Baby Blues" shortly after giving birth. There is an influx of hormone that is trying to regulate itself now that the baby is no longer inside. Combined with the stress of sleep deprivation and still trying to figure out how to care for this tiny person, it can lead to a sudden rush of sadness, panic, guilt and feeling overwhelmed. Luckily, this usually only lasts a few weeks. If it continues, though, or gets worse, a professional should be talked to in order to monitor for signs of PPD (postpartum depression).
Since coming home, I've been struggling with the Baby Blues. Nothing in particular happened. I just got set off one day. I honestly have cried once a day since we've been home. Sometimes it is for no reason other than my eyes tear and then it doesn't stop and that turns into crying. This officially came to a head when Dave found me crying in the shower the other day and it forced me it face my issues.
There are two main triggers that upset me more than anything else:
First is that he's only been here for 10 days and I already feel like a bad mom. Being a dad comes very naturally to Dave. I love Colin so much and I feel like my maternal instincts have failed me. I'm overwhelmed and don't know how to care for him. I know Colin doesn't care or notice, but I want to be at my best for him and I feel like I can't do that right now. It makes me feel awful.
Second is that there are many things about my relationship with Dave that I now constantly worry about (with no ground to. The things that I'm about to say Dave has never, ever given an inkling that he would feel this way. I know he loves me). He physically watched the c-section. Meaning, watched Colin be pulled out of me. How could ever possibly look at me the same? How could he see that and not think about it every time he sees my scar? How could he possibly still find me sexy after this? Also, one of my biggest fears has always been that we would fall into a daily grind. The last thing I want is for our relationship to become business-like where we only talk about the basic information we need about the baby and nothing else. In other words - that we stop trying to "date" each other because we are both so overwhelmed by having a baby. I love my husband more than anyone could possibly understand and even the thought of this happening makes me cry.
Luckily, Dave is incredibly understanding and sat with me to talk through these feelings. Feeling this way makes me feel more irrational than when I was having mood swings with my pregnancy. He told me that he will always find me beautiful and that Colin is going to love me no matter what and that we will all figure this out together. I know he's right. I'm still struggling though. I hope feeling this way ends sooner rather than later. I didn't expect to be hit by the Baby Blues this hard.
I forgot to mention: During this talk, Dave was consoling me about my skills as a mom. He was holding Colin and says, "Look what we did. For nine months, you had this little guy in your belly and now he's here. And he's awesome." Dave held him up so he could get a better look at me. Suddenly, Colin gave this HUGE toothless grin at me and cooed. I don't even know how that's possible at 8 days old but it instantly made everything better. I love my boys so much.
PS: the reason I typed this up so late at night is because it's currently my "shift" to watch the baby. Usually, I would sleep during this time, but Colin is snoring like a trucker, groaning and mumbling in his sleep. Noisiest baby ever. I'm assuming he's dreaming about his next feeding. Haha
