Getting Back to Normal

It has been almost 3 weeks since my seizure. I'm feeling totally fine (other than lack of sleep from taking care of Colin). I believe that Colin and Dave have a lot to do with me feeling as good as I do. I have to be resilient for them. I'm at peace with what happened and have been really engulfed at work. I came back to a busy, busy workload, which is great because it keeps me distracted. I'm definitely not bored anymore.

I still feel like people are walking on broken glass around me, as if I'm not alright and anything other than an ideal situation will set me off - either emotionally or now physically. I understand it since it's the first it's happened in a long time and for some, especially Dave, it's their first time experiencing it with me. I understand that people just want me to be safe and healthy, but I'm still the same person. I'm getting the ability to drive again back next week. Hopefully, that independence will be the start of things being normal again.

I am so blessed to have such amazing family and friends that care so much about me. I love them all so much. I just don't want them to feel like I need to be bubble-wrapped from here on out.

Driving Restrictions

I've received a few questions about my driving restrictions. Overall, the rule is that if you've had a seizure, you can't drive for 6 months. However, there are conditions in which a person wouldn't be "disqualified" from driving.

According to PA Code 83.4:

 (b)  Waiver. Waiver of the freedom from seizure requirement may be made upon specific recommendation by a licensed physician if one of the following conditions apply:

   (1)  A strictly nocturnal pattern of seizures or a pattern of seizures occurring only immediately upon awakening has been established over a period of at least 2 years immediately preceding, with or without medication.

   (2)  A specific prolonged aura accompanied by sufficient warning has been established over a period of at least 2 years immediately preceding, with or without medication.

   (3)  The person previously had been free from seizure for a 6 month period and the subsequent seizure or seizures occurred as a result of a prescribed change in or removal from medication while under the supervision of a licensed physician. This waiver will only be provided upon reinstitution of previous medication.

I was seizure-free for 21 years and the reason the seizure occurred was because my medication was lowered too low. They have since put my dosage back to where it was. I am allowed to drive because of point 3.

The full explanation of this can be found here:

http://www.pacode.com/secure/data/067/chapter83/s83.4.html

I can't believe I have to write this post...

FYI - this is going to be long 

I can't believe I'm actually saying this...

I had a seizure. My first seizure in 21 years. 

I woke up with a migraine that had a ton of auras. I felt terrible. I wasn't surprised since Colin had a little bit of a rough night and we were up a lot. I had gotten up with Colin for his morning feeding (and to get him up for the day). When Dave came down, I actually went back upstairs to nap for an hour. My headache was only getting worse.

I was bringing Mucinex downstairs for Dave (he hasn't been feeling great the past few days) and when I got to the lower level stairs, I felt my leg twitch. I sat down on the stairs and my leg continued to twitch more. Dave put Colin down in the pack and play and picked me up to get me to the couch.

That's when it started. I had a seizure that lasted about 4 minutes. It was over before Dave was even off the phone with 911. I was fully aware that it was happening. Dave was with me the entire time and was reassuring me that everything was okay. We had the ambulance take me to the hospital to get monitored. Dave's family came over I watch Colin and my mom and dad met us at the hospital.

At the hospital, they took a trough level and checked for eclampsia (it can cause seizures postpartum). The test for eclampsia came back negative, thankfully. It was more a whole bunch of waiting for people to come in and out of my room. In the meantime, we all watched the Flyers game (holy moly, they won!).

Dr. L called this morning to discuss what happened and give me some instruction. She raised my meds back to 200mg 2x/daily, which I feel is the right decision. She also doesn't want me driving for a month or holding the baby for two weeks (one of the first questions she asked me was if Colin was okay). It's so frustrating. Honestly, it doesn't feel real.

I am so happy that I wasn't holding Colin when this happened. I am so glad he's safe and is none the wiser to what happened. I am sad that Dave had to experience that with me, though. It's extremely scary and something that I never thought he would have to see. In a strange and horrible way though, it's good, because now there is literally nothing we haven't been through together. I'm angry that it happened and once again, I'm going to be an inconvenience to the people around me. 

I always knew in switching meds and getting pregnant that this was a possibility. With the change in hormones, lack of sleep, stress and addition of birth control and medication for PPD, my body has a lot going on. Yes, it sucks, but my epilepsy still does not define me. I will not consistently feel bad for myself that this happened. My life is amazing. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful baby boy and fantastic family and friends. I am happy. This is just another paragraph in a chapter in my life. It doesn't get its own chapter.

Alright, going to get something to eat with hubby. :)

Postpartum Neurology appt

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been a little busy:

I had my postpartum neurology appointment today with Dr. L. She basically wanted to see how I was doing with how I was feeling neurologically after having Colin. My sister-in-law watched Colin while I went to my appointment. I think Dr. L. was disappointed I didn't bring him though.

It was a great appointment though. My Lamictal trough level came back at 8.3 and she decided that we were able to lower my dosage of medication, which is GREAT.

I will now be taking 150 mg 2x/daily. Right now, I'm taking 200 mg 2x/daily.

I feel great. Colin is doing fantastic and I am healthy. I couldn't ask for anything more. :) I'll let you know how my trough levels are after lowering the dose.

Noisy Baby

We have the noisiest sleeping baby of all time. He is snoring like a trucker and mumbling in his sleep. I can only assume he's dreaming about his bottle. 

Dave and I split shifts. I slept from 10-2:30am and now it's Dave's turn to sleep. I can't wait until we can demand feed and he's sleeping longer stretches (and in his crib). Hopefully, that'll happen in the next few weeks.

Baby Blues

Warning: this is INSANELY long

The majority of women experience something called the "Baby Blues" shortly after giving birth. There is an influx of hormone that is trying to regulate itself now that the baby is no longer inside. Combined with the stress of sleep deprivation and still trying to figure out how to care for this tiny person, it can lead to a sudden rush of sadness, panic, guilt and feeling overwhelmed. Luckily, this usually only lasts a few weeks. If it continues, though, or gets worse, a professional should be talked to in order to monitor for signs of PPD (postpartum depression).

Since coming home, I've been struggling with the Baby Blues. Nothing in particular happened. I just got set off one day. I honestly have cried once a day since we've been home. Sometimes it is for no reason other than my eyes tear and then it doesn't stop and that turns into crying. This officially came to a head when Dave found me crying in the shower the other day and it forced me it face my issues.

 There are two main triggers that upset me more than anything else:

First is that he's only been here for 10 days and I already feel like a bad mom. Being a dad comes very naturally to Dave. I love Colin so much and I feel like my maternal instincts have failed me. I'm overwhelmed and don't know how to care for him. I know Colin doesn't care or notice, but I want to be at my best for him and I feel like I can't do that right now. It makes me feel awful.

Second is that there are many things about my relationship with Dave that I now constantly worry about (with no ground to. The things that I'm about to say Dave has never, ever given an inkling that he would feel this way. I know he loves me). He physically watched the c-section. Meaning, watched Colin be pulled out of me. How could ever possibly look at me the same? How could he see that and not think about it every time he sees my scar? How could he possibly still find me sexy after this? Also, one of my biggest fears has always been that we would fall into a daily grind. The last thing I want is for our relationship to become business-like where we only talk about the basic information we need about the baby and nothing else. In other words - that we stop trying to "date" each other because we are both so overwhelmed by having a baby. I love my husband more than anyone could possibly understand and even the thought of this happening makes me cry.

Luckily, Dave is incredibly understanding and sat with me to talk through these feelings. Feeling this way makes me feel more irrational than when I was having mood swings with my pregnancy. He told me that he will always find me beautiful and that Colin is going to love me no matter what and that we will all figure this out together. I know he's right. I'm still struggling though. I hope feeling this way ends sooner rather than later. I didn't expect to be hit by the Baby Blues this hard. 

I forgot to mention: During this talk, Dave was consoling me about my skills as a mom. He was holding Colin and says, "Look what we did. For nine months, you had this little guy in your belly and now he's here. And he's awesome." Dave held him up so he could get a better look at me. Suddenly, Colin gave this HUGE toothless grin at me and cooed. I don't even know how that's possible at 8 days old but it instantly made everything better. I love my boys so much.

PS: the reason I typed this up so late at night is because it's currently my "shift" to watch the baby. Usually, I would sleep during this time, but Colin is snoring like a trucker, groaning and mumbling in his sleep. Noisiest baby ever. I'm assuming he's dreaming about his next feeding. Haha

First doctor's appointment for Colin

The pediatrician wanted to see Colin in his office only a few days after we were discharged. It's standard practice, basically just to see how he's adjusting to life outside of the hospital. Dave's aunt works in the pediatrian's office we chose, so when we came in, she made a huge fuss over Colin.

We had to strip him down to weigh him. Once Dave got him on to the table, and naked, he started to projectile pee! Dave was quick though and caught it with the diaper! It was truly impressive. He weighed 6.123 and was 6.112 when we left the hospital, so he had gained a little weight. The doctor said from now on, he wants him to be gaining an ounce a day so we can get him back up to his birth weight quickly.

The doctor listened to his heart beat and tested some reflexes, end the appointment with saying that Colin looks "AWESOME!" That made me feei really good. Before we left, he asked us about feelings, sleep patterns and some other behavioral questions. Looks like he's right on track. Our first week as parents was great. I'm looking toward to getting to know this little guy as he grows up. :)