Finally Facing It Part 1)

I've put off this post long enough, I didn't want to write it because if I did, it meant that all of this was true and not some horrible dream I'm having. Why can't this just be a horrible dream I'm having?

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On June 6, 2014, while I was at work, I started experiencing some auras and was feeling a little dizzy. I went into the bathroom to put my head between my legs and try to collect myself. I did my breathing exercises and was trying to take hold of the situation, but it was too late.

I felt like leg go and I began having seizure-like seizing (more later on why I word it this way). It lasted for about 3 minutes and after it was over, miraculously, I got up, I called my family to come get me from work, told my boss I was leaving and acted like nothing happened.

I still didn't feel right though. Something still wasn't right.

My father-in-law got me. On the way home, he kept asking how I was feeling. If we should go to the hospital. It wasn't until we got near the exit to our house that I told him that I thought I was going to have a seizure and that we should go to the hospital. We got Dave (the hospital is 250 yards from our house) and then it started.

It lasted about 20 minutes. There's a lot missing. However, I remember thinking, "Why isn't this stopping?" and the seizing was more in my groin and that hurt more. I remember my father-in-law telling me to "settle" and thinking, "I can't." I was admitted to the hospital and was there for 2 days. There's a lot missing from those 2 days. I have disjointed memories. I remember random specific things like thinking that the idiot nurse we had looked like Andy Dick and that before I went to sleep I watched an episode of "King of Queens" with my mom. It was a weird experience for me.

One of the doctors at the hospitals explained to Dave and me that what happened at work probably wasn't a seizure, but more likely a "warning shot." Something called Psychogenic non-epileptic seizures (PNES). They aren't necessarily seizures, but present the same symptoms without the brain charge that an epileptic charge has. They are common in people with people who have complex partial seizures.

It's now January 3, 2015 and I'm still seizure-free. 

To be continued...

Whatever you do, you need courage...

"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them." - Ralph Waldo Emerson, American Poet and Essayist, 1803-1882

A Letter to My Son

I've been thinking a lot about the lately, so I thought I should get my feelings down on paper. Maybe it'll make me feel better.

Dear Colin,

It's 3:30am. Yesterday, you turned 4 months old. 

I'll admit, hearing you cry at 3am, letting me know you need me, has me struggling to stay awake most days. There have been many nights where my first thought was, "Ugh, he's up again..."

Tonight though, as you lie strewn across me with your tiny fingers so sweetly on my chest, as if to say, "This one's mine," something resonated with me.

You need me now. And you're not always going to.

Right now, in this moment, what you need is your mommy to feed you and snuggle until you fall asleep. It gives you fulfillment and comfort. Right now, you need Daddy and me to hold you close because it lets you know you're loved and helps you feel secure. Right now, we can make your sadness go away, fix where it hurts and be everything that you need. And one day - we just won't be enough.

There's going to come a day where you won't need me to fix it. One day, nothing I say or do will be exactly what you need in order to feel better. One day, I'll offer advice and you'll say, "I'll ask ______ what he thinks." And that opinion will be held higher than mine. And that's okay. It's part of growing up. If you get to that point, it means we did something right and you are growing into your own person.

As I look at you now though, I hope you know that there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Same goes with your father. We love you unconditionally. You can always come to us when you need us and we will always try to understand and listen. 

So, today, in this moment, I need to remember that day will come someday - but it's not today. Today, you need me and I can make it better. So, even though I'm exhausted and you're already asleep, I'm going to sit here and continue to rock with you a bit. Because I can't take moments like this for granted. I won't always have them.

I love you.

Asleep in my arms.

Next Steps

I had another seizure in April. It lasted less than 30 seconds and I am totally fine. 

We figured out that the new birth control the OB prescribed me (generic for Aviane) had an interaction with the Lamictal. Both of my seizures occurred on the same day of my birth control pack. Once we realized this, we immediately switched me back to the Yasmin. Since then, everything has been done.

Currently, I'm sitting awake downstairs because today I have a sleep-deprived EEG. It's 6:25am and I am sleepy. They are doing this to confirm that nothing else is going on.

Colin currently has an ear infection and pink eye and unfortunately, is in excruciating pain. It's so sad. He's taking an antibiotic and I'm hoping it kicks in soon. I hate seeing him like this. I feel like he's been sick forever. I feel like this is my fault and like I'm doing something wrong.

I'll update when I find more out.

Getting Back to Normal

It has been almost 3 weeks since my seizure. I'm feeling totally fine (other than lack of sleep from taking care of Colin). I believe that Colin and Dave have a lot to do with me feeling as good as I do. I have to be resilient for them. I'm at peace with what happened and have been really engulfed at work. I came back to a busy, busy workload, which is great because it keeps me distracted. I'm definitely not bored anymore.

I still feel like people are walking on broken glass around me, as if I'm not alright and anything other than an ideal situation will set me off - either emotionally or now physically. I understand it since it's the first it's happened in a long time and for some, especially Dave, it's their first time experiencing it with me. I understand that people just want me to be safe and healthy, but I'm still the same person. I'm getting the ability to drive again back next week. Hopefully, that independence will be the start of things being normal again.

I am so blessed to have such amazing family and friends that care so much about me. I love them all so much. I just don't want them to feel like I need to be bubble-wrapped from here on out.

Driving Restrictions

I've received a few questions about my driving restrictions. Overall, the rule is that if you've had a seizure, you can't drive for 6 months. However, there are conditions in which a person wouldn't be "disqualified" from driving.

According to PA Code 83.4:

 (b)  Waiver. Waiver of the freedom from seizure requirement may be made upon specific recommendation by a licensed physician if one of the following conditions apply:

   (1)  A strictly nocturnal pattern of seizures or a pattern of seizures occurring only immediately upon awakening has been established over a period of at least 2 years immediately preceding, with or without medication.

   (2)  A specific prolonged aura accompanied by sufficient warning has been established over a period of at least 2 years immediately preceding, with or without medication.

   (3)  The person previously had been free from seizure for a 6 month period and the subsequent seizure or seizures occurred as a result of a prescribed change in or removal from medication while under the supervision of a licensed physician. This waiver will only be provided upon reinstitution of previous medication.

I was seizure-free for 21 years and the reason the seizure occurred was because my medication was lowered too low. They have since put my dosage back to where it was. I am allowed to drive because of point 3.

The full explanation of this can be found here:

http://www.pacode.com/secure/data/067/chapter83/s83.4.html

I can't believe I have to write this post...

FYI - this is going to be long 

I can't believe I'm actually saying this...

I had a seizure. My first seizure in 21 years. 

I woke up with a migraine that had a ton of auras. I felt terrible. I wasn't surprised since Colin had a little bit of a rough night and we were up a lot. I had gotten up with Colin for his morning feeding (and to get him up for the day). When Dave came down, I actually went back upstairs to nap for an hour. My headache was only getting worse.

I was bringing Mucinex downstairs for Dave (he hasn't been feeling great the past few days) and when I got to the lower level stairs, I felt my leg twitch. I sat down on the stairs and my leg continued to twitch more. Dave put Colin down in the pack and play and picked me up to get me to the couch.

That's when it started. I had a seizure that lasted about 4 minutes. It was over before Dave was even off the phone with 911. I was fully aware that it was happening. Dave was with me the entire time and was reassuring me that everything was okay. We had the ambulance take me to the hospital to get monitored. Dave's family came over I watch Colin and my mom and dad met us at the hospital.

At the hospital, they took a trough level and checked for eclampsia (it can cause seizures postpartum). The test for eclampsia came back negative, thankfully. It was more a whole bunch of waiting for people to come in and out of my room. In the meantime, we all watched the Flyers game (holy moly, they won!).

Dr. L called this morning to discuss what happened and give me some instruction. She raised my meds back to 200mg 2x/daily, which I feel is the right decision. She also doesn't want me driving for a month or holding the baby for two weeks (one of the first questions she asked me was if Colin was okay). It's so frustrating. Honestly, it doesn't feel real.

I am so happy that I wasn't holding Colin when this happened. I am so glad he's safe and is none the wiser to what happened. I am sad that Dave had to experience that with me, though. It's extremely scary and something that I never thought he would have to see. In a strange and horrible way though, it's good, because now there is literally nothing we haven't been through together. I'm angry that it happened and once again, I'm going to be an inconvenience to the people around me. 

I always knew in switching meds and getting pregnant that this was a possibility. With the change in hormones, lack of sleep, stress and addition of birth control and medication for PPD, my body has a lot going on. Yes, it sucks, but my epilepsy still does not define me. I will not consistently feel bad for myself that this happened. My life is amazing. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful baby boy and fantastic family and friends. I am happy. This is just another paragraph in a chapter in my life. It doesn't get its own chapter.

Alright, going to get something to eat with hubby. :)

Postpartum Neurology appt

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been a little busy:

I had my postpartum neurology appointment today with Dr. L. She basically wanted to see how I was doing with how I was feeling neurologically after having Colin. My sister-in-law watched Colin while I went to my appointment. I think Dr. L. was disappointed I didn't bring him though.

It was a great appointment though. My Lamictal trough level came back at 8.3 and she decided that we were able to lower my dosage of medication, which is GREAT.

I will now be taking 150 mg 2x/daily. Right now, I'm taking 200 mg 2x/daily.

I feel great. Colin is doing fantastic and I am healthy. I couldn't ask for anything more. :) I'll let you know how my trough levels are after lowering the dose.

Noisy Baby

We have the noisiest sleeping baby of all time. He is snoring like a trucker and mumbling in his sleep. I can only assume he's dreaming about his bottle. 

Dave and I split shifts. I slept from 10-2:30am and now it's Dave's turn to sleep. I can't wait until we can demand feed and he's sleeping longer stretches (and in his crib). Hopefully, that'll happen in the next few weeks.

Baby Blues

Warning: this is INSANELY long

The majority of women experience something called the "Baby Blues" shortly after giving birth. There is an influx of hormone that is trying to regulate itself now that the baby is no longer inside. Combined with the stress of sleep deprivation and still trying to figure out how to care for this tiny person, it can lead to a sudden rush of sadness, panic, guilt and feeling overwhelmed. Luckily, this usually only lasts a few weeks. If it continues, though, or gets worse, a professional should be talked to in order to monitor for signs of PPD (postpartum depression).

Since coming home, I've been struggling with the Baby Blues. Nothing in particular happened. I just got set off one day. I honestly have cried once a day since we've been home. Sometimes it is for no reason other than my eyes tear and then it doesn't stop and that turns into crying. This officially came to a head when Dave found me crying in the shower the other day and it forced me it face my issues.

 There are two main triggers that upset me more than anything else:

First is that he's only been here for 10 days and I already feel like a bad mom. Being a dad comes very naturally to Dave. I love Colin so much and I feel like my maternal instincts have failed me. I'm overwhelmed and don't know how to care for him. I know Colin doesn't care or notice, but I want to be at my best for him and I feel like I can't do that right now. It makes me feel awful.

Second is that there are many things about my relationship with Dave that I now constantly worry about (with no ground to. The things that I'm about to say Dave has never, ever given an inkling that he would feel this way. I know he loves me). He physically watched the c-section. Meaning, watched Colin be pulled out of me. How could ever possibly look at me the same? How could he see that and not think about it every time he sees my scar? How could he possibly still find me sexy after this? Also, one of my biggest fears has always been that we would fall into a daily grind. The last thing I want is for our relationship to become business-like where we only talk about the basic information we need about the baby and nothing else. In other words - that we stop trying to "date" each other because we are both so overwhelmed by having a baby. I love my husband more than anyone could possibly understand and even the thought of this happening makes me cry.

Luckily, Dave is incredibly understanding and sat with me to talk through these feelings. Feeling this way makes me feel more irrational than when I was having mood swings with my pregnancy. He told me that he will always find me beautiful and that Colin is going to love me no matter what and that we will all figure this out together. I know he's right. I'm still struggling though. I hope feeling this way ends sooner rather than later. I didn't expect to be hit by the Baby Blues this hard. 

I forgot to mention: During this talk, Dave was consoling me about my skills as a mom. He was holding Colin and says, "Look what we did. For nine months, you had this little guy in your belly and now he's here. And he's awesome." Dave held him up so he could get a better look at me. Suddenly, Colin gave this HUGE toothless grin at me and cooed. I don't even know how that's possible at 8 days old but it instantly made everything better. I love my boys so much.

PS: the reason I typed this up so late at night is because it's currently my "shift" to watch the baby. Usually, I would sleep during this time, but Colin is snoring like a trucker, groaning and mumbling in his sleep. Noisiest baby ever. I'm assuming he's dreaming about his next feeding. Haha

First doctor's appointment for Colin

The pediatrician wanted to see Colin in his office only a few days after we were discharged. It's standard practice, basically just to see how he's adjusting to life outside of the hospital. Dave's aunt works in the pediatrian's office we chose, so when we came in, she made a huge fuss over Colin.

We had to strip him down to weigh him. Once Dave got him on to the table, and naked, he started to projectile pee! Dave was quick though and caught it with the diaper! It was truly impressive. He weighed 6.123 and was 6.112 when we left the hospital, so he had gained a little weight. The doctor said from now on, he wants him to be gaining an ounce a day so we can get him back up to his birth weight quickly.

The doctor listened to his heart beat and tested some reflexes, end the appointment with saying that Colin looks "AWESOME!" That made me feei really good. Before we left, he asked us about feelings, sleep patterns and some other behavioral questions. Looks like he's right on track. Our first week as parents was great. I'm looking toward to getting to know this little guy as he grows up. :)

We are home!

We have been home since Sunday. Having Colin in our home has been wonderful. He is a wonderful baby and is infatuated with Dave. He's a true Daddy's Boy and I'm sure as he grows up, he will want to do everything "just like Daddy." 

In order to survive the nights and make sure we are each getting some sleep, we are taking shifts at night. My mom has come to help us out for the next few days since I'm recovering from my c-section and still moving a little slow. It's been huge to have an extra set of hands at night. He's only 5 days old and feeding him every 3 hours and throwing in his "witching hour" (he screams around 1:30am and can be inconsolable for a good amount of time) makes for long nights. As the weeks go by though, he will start growing more sleeping longer stretches, so we just need see the light at the end of the tunnel (until sleep regression hits about 4 months old, ha!). In the few days he's been home, we have already learned so much about him:

1. He HATES being cold (he picked the wrong time of year to be born)

2. He only likes the green binkies. Lord only knows why...

3. Tummy time with Daddy is his favorite thing to do.

4. When he really doesn't want something, he shakes his head and it looks like he's saying "no." This is my favorite cue lol

5. I'm pretty sure he talks in his sleep. He is the noisiest sleeper ever,

Now that Colin is here, I obviously won't update as much, but there are still things I would like to share about early motherhood and epilepsy. I have a postpartum neurology appointment scheduled fir the end of February to check on how I'm doing and also Colin's development since AEDs can cause developmental delays. However, I doubt that's anything we have to worry about. He's already so alert and vocal. :)

Pictures:

Tummy time with Dave (Daddy)

In his Penn State hat

He was on the billiblanket for 24 hours. This is what Dave calls his "rock star" picture

 

Baby Colin has arrived!

Warning, this is LONG!

Yesterday, via c-section, our baby boy Colin David was born!

Colin entered the world at 7 lbs 2.5 oz and 20 inches long (much smaller than we anticipated). He is incredibly alert when he's awake. I thought I would share my eventful birth story with you all:

On January 22, I woke up feeling wet and really uncomfortable. I sat on my exercise ball to relieve the pain. It was working temporarily. The second I stood up though, the pain came shooting back. We had snow the night before so Dave went out to snow blow the driveway out. After he got back, I hopped in the shower.

When I got out, my water broke - everywhere. I called the Ob nurse and they told me to head to the hospital. I had already started minor contractions when we got there. Little did I know how ugh worse they would get. ;) I didn't get the epidural until around 6cm and 70% effaced. In order to get me to there though, they had to use a foley bulb. It definitely did the trick though, along with the pitocin. 

However, for hours I stopped progressing. My Ob tried something called an amnio infusion. Basically, they put a little amniotic fluid back to give him room to move and figure a way out. They restarted the pitocin and the baby's heartbeat started to decelerate. The doctors didn't like that, so they told me they'd prefer I go in for a c-section.

The idea of a c-section really freaked me out. I couldn't move my legs at ALL and I hate that. However, it was literally over before I knew it. They told us he probably wouldn't cry because of the epidural and anethesia. Instead, he came into the world SCREAMING his little heart out.

He's sleeping pretty well and feeding like a champ. However, since he was a c-section, he is more mucousy. They said that'll subside though.

Although I'm disappointed I didn't get to try a vaginal delivery, it brought Dave and me the most amazing gift in the world - our son, Colin! :) 

40-week appointment

Yesterday, I had an OB appointment basically to discuss why I'm still pregnant (haha!). He checked the baby's HB, which sounded loud and clear. :) I still haven't gained more weight, I've been teetering in between 1 lb for the past four weeks (about a 28 lb weight gain, which is awesome, considering about 12-14 lbs of that is baby and pregnancy-related).

Baby boy is moving great :) he's been more active the past few days and constantly squirming. Dave's been talking to my belly, trying to get him to come out. I think with this snowstorm, though, he realizes how cold it is out there and wants to stay warm. Haha!

To see if they can determine what's going on, I'm doing what's called a biophysical profile and non-stress test tomorrow. It essentially measures the baby's vitals and makes sure that he's still doing well in there. 

If the doctor doesn't like the results, they could induce tomorrow! If he's doing fine though (which I hope he is, obviously), we will still induce on Sunday. Either way, we are getting a baby in less than a week! Can't wait to meet this little guy!

Week 40

Week 40

How far along? 40 weeks (turkey's done!)

How are you feeling? Ridiculously uncomfortable. My hips hurt, my feet are swollen and I constantly feel like I'm being kicked in the groin.

Baby is the size of a(n): small pumpkin! Average baby is in between 7.5-8.5 lbs and around 30 inches long.

Cravings: Nothing.

Aversions: Nothing.

Testing/appts this week? Tomorrow, I have my 40 week appointment. We were hoping I wasn't going to need it, but I guess there's no avoiding it now.

Milestones?: Today is my due date! We never thought I would make it this far.

Baby boy had other plans though and is doing great. Can't wait until he's here!

Due Date

It's January 19. That means today is my due date. The day they estimated our baby boy would exit my belly. So far, nothing. Not even consistent back pain. Although, I can feel him moving around.

I'm looking for signs of early labor (there are three stages of labor):

<b>Early Labor:</b> Dilated under 3cm

<b>Active Labor:</b> Dilated 3-7cm

<b>Transition:</b> Dilated 7-10cm (This is when the baby is delivered)

To read more about the stages of labor, visit the American Pregnancy Association website at:

http://americanpregnancy.org/labornbirth/firststage.html

I will update if anything happens, but I think I am making it to that induction next week.

39 week appointment

I had an appointment yesterday and everything went well. Baby's heart beat is in the 140s still. My blood pressure looked good too (125/80-something. I can't remember).

We talked a lot about how uncomfortable I am. I'm having more increasing pain in my hips, my cold is taking its sweet time going away and I'm having a hard time breathing. Baby boy currently has his foot wedged nicely at my right lung. It constantly feels like I can't catch my breath. Dave has even woken me up a few times because of the way I was breathing.

The good news is that I'm getting enough oxygen. The bad news is that I more than likely will feel this way until he makes his appearance. Ugh.

Being so close to my due date with no real progress, they scheduled an induction for the 26th of this month. I would absolutely LOVE for him to come on his own terms, but they aren't going to let him stay in there forever.

Also, depending on my weight on my appointment on this upcoming Monday (40 weeks) is, I may ask them if everything is okay. I haven't gained weight in the past 3 weeks. No one has said anything, but I think it's odd and just want to make sure he's okay.

I'm glad the baby is doing so well, but mommy and daddy are more than ready to meet him!

Oh I forgot to mention!

My dad is officially home from the UK and has no more travel plans until the baby comes. I'm so happy that he's not going to miss anything. Good job, baby boy, on waiting until Pop Pop got home :)

Week 39

Week 39

How far along? 39 weeks 

How are you feeling? I still have a slight cold/allergies. Definitely not as bad, but I wish it would go away. I am paranoid that I'm not going to be able to breathe during labor. I'm also so ridiculously uncomfortable. My hips and lower back are KILLING me. Both Dave and I are ready for the baby to be here. We are officially done.

Baby is the size of a(n): mini-watermelon (that sounds terrifying). He is estimated over 7 lbs and around 20 inches long.

Cravings: Yesterday, it was fruit. Really bad.

Aversions: Nothing.

Testing/appts this week? I have my 39-week appointment on Tuesday. Hoping they'll tell me that I'm progressing and that they aren't going to let me go past my due date.

Milestones?: as of today, baby is officially full-term! This means they would be happy to have him come out at any time and he is fully developed. Come on, baby!

38 week appt

I forgot to post this. I had my 38 week appointment on Monday. It was actually a day early because all weekend, I had been having contractions that were consistently 12-15 minutes apart. It wasn't soon enough to go to the hospital, but they say that if you have more than 4 contractions in an hour, even if they are Braxton Hicks, that you should be seen.

Baby boy was doing great. The HB was in the 140s, he's moving a lot and my fundal height was right on target. My blood pressure was in a normal range (134/72) and all looks good.

They started checking me to see if I'm progressing in any way towards labor. Turns out, my body is doing the correct things and I'm on my way. Hopefully, that means that I won't have to be induced (my due date is officially 10 days away!)

Come on, baby boy! Let's get this show on the road! Mommy is incomfortable and wants to meet you!

My dad is traveling

I cried hard last night.

My dad is pretty high up the chain in his company and actively involved in acquisitions. His company is acquiring a company in the UK and they are trying to finalize the deal this week, early next week.

This means he had to go over to the UK. He didn't have a choice. He is supposed to be there at least until the 9th, but more likely coming back on the 13th. He broke my heart last night. He hugged me and choked up and whispered, "You're going to do great. I can't wait to join you guys on this new journey." The second he was out the door, I started sobbing.

Again, I'm aware he didn't have a choice, but it still sucks. 

Week 38

Week 38

How far along? 38 weeks 

How are you feeling? Yuck. I jinxed myself last week by saying I'm sleeping longer stretches. I now have a cold and haven't really slept in two days. Everything about my face hurts and I've now gone from having a completely stuffed up nose to the runniest nose on the block. Accompanied by a sore throat and cough.

Baby is the size of a(n): a leek. He is estimated at 6.8 lbs and 19.5 inches tall.

Cravings: Right now, no food sounds good.

Aversions: Everything.

Testing/appts this week? I have my 38-week appointment on Tuesday. Probably doing my trough level once I'm feeling better. 

Milestones?: I've started getting actual contractions. They are waaaaaaay too far apart to call the doctor about though (we aren't supposed to go to L&D until they are 5 minutes apart, lasting a minute for one hour). It's driving me nuts though because it lets me know that baby boy is coming, but he's just taking his sweet time.

How can I be sick NOW?!

I haven't been sick my entire pregnancy. I've been very lucky. Now, it's 12:30am, I'm just about 38 weeks pregnant and I am sick.

I have some serious congestion and a sore throat. I feel miserable. I'm currently sitting on the couch downstairs with a blanket and watching TV. Dave is upstairs asleep. With all of my sniffling, coughing and tossing and turning, I figure at least one of us should sleep. 

I took an allergy pill just in case, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything. I'm now having the irrational fear that I will go into labor while sick. I think I'll take my temperature in the morning and call the after hours number for my Ob and make sure they don't want me to do anything specific.

So gross.

Something's definitely going on...

I feel like baby boy and I are in a stand-off, haha. 

Since Monday, I've been getting a ridiculous amount of Braxton Hicks contractions. They are pretty much all day, every day. They are now more intense and lasting longer. I told the OB about it and he said that it's my body "getting ready."

I also have cramping (higher up under my chest) when the BH aren't happening, my insides feel like they are burning and my belly is pretty hard. Not to mention the crazy back and hip pain. At almost 38 weeks, this HAS to mean he's coming soon. I am so uncomfortable.

Dave thinks before the weekend. I'm hoping to hold out until the 8th. My dad is going to be in the UK until the morning of the 9th and I know he wants to be here when the baby is born.

Let Baby Watch 2014 begin!