A Letter to My Son

I've been thinking a lot about the lately, so I thought I should get my feelings down on paper. Maybe it'll make me feel better.

Dear Colin,

It's 3:30am. Yesterday, you turned 4 months old. 

I'll admit, hearing you cry at 3am, letting me know you need me, has me struggling to stay awake most days. There have been many nights where my first thought was, "Ugh, he's up again..."

Tonight though, as you lie strewn across me with your tiny fingers so sweetly on my chest, as if to say, "This one's mine," something resonated with me.

You need me now. And you're not always going to.

Right now, in this moment, what you need is your mommy to feed you and snuggle until you fall asleep. It gives you fulfillment and comfort. Right now, you need Daddy and me to hold you close because it lets you know you're loved and helps you feel secure. Right now, we can make your sadness go away, fix where it hurts and be everything that you need. And one day - we just won't be enough.

There's going to come a day where you won't need me to fix it. One day, nothing I say or do will be exactly what you need in order to feel better. One day, I'll offer advice and you'll say, "I'll ask ______ what he thinks." And that opinion will be held higher than mine. And that's okay. It's part of growing up. If you get to that point, it means we did something right and you are growing into your own person.

As I look at you now though, I hope you know that there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Same goes with your father. We love you unconditionally. You can always come to us when you need us and we will always try to understand and listen. 

So, today, in this moment, I need to remember that day will come someday - but it's not today. Today, you need me and I can make it better. So, even though I'm exhausted and you're already asleep, I'm going to sit here and continue to rock with you a bit. Because I can't take moments like this for granted. I won't always have them.

I love you.

Asleep in my arms.